Top Five Excuses to Drink, a Lot.

Over the past few weeks I have come to realize that there are several occasions that for no apparent reason merit heavy alcohol consumption by the 20-somethings (and in some cases those older) of the world. These intoxicating affairs usually fall into one of two categories: 1) drinking in celebration of something that the "thirsty ones" don't really understand or follow or 2) trying to pass off heavy drinking as a social gathering of friends that has another phony pretense.

You might be wondering what exactly it is that I'm getting at here so I'm going to give a brief overview of my top five drinking excuses (in no particular order) that people use year in and year out to get a good buzz, or maybe to get hammered drunk with their friends and family.

1) Cinco de Mayo:
I know that on the fifth of May my compadres from south of the border rejoice for two reasons. One, their restaurants in my little college town pack out from lunch until midnight with students and townies alike trying to have a festive meal in honor of the second reason my amigos celebrate which is of course, umm... Well I don't really know. Yes, I, the brain that I am, have no idea what Cinco de Mayo is all about. I think it might be like the 4th of July in Mexico, but I'm not positive. Maybe something to do with the Alamo, but I think America came out on top there, so probably not. It could just be Ricky Martin's birthday so the people of America, whether in Memphis or Boston, Detroit or LA can live la vida loca with their good buddy Jose Cuervo. Any way you choose to look at Cinco de Mayo, unless you have serious Mexican ties, you see a holiday for drinking. Corona sales actually increase by ten percent in the two weeks building up to May fifth. (Ok. I made that up, but it seems feasible.) So next year on Cinco de May, celebrate, because you can, not because you know why.

2) The Kentucky Derby:
I walked into a friend's house this year to watch the Derby. I had my sixer of Busch tall boys, but was greeted with a complimentary Mint Julep (http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink5382.html) instead. Every year, shortly before or after the aforementioned drinking holiday, people who know next to nothing about horse racing crowd around the TV to cheer a random stallion on to victory. The actual dash lasts for roughly a minute and a half, but the party usually goes on for hours before and after. You see, here in the South especially, we love excuses to dress up, act like we know what we're talking about, and drink bourbon in some fashion. So why should we skip out on a horse race that was meant to provide an avenue to do all of the above? I mean have you seen the Colonel Sanders-esque people that crowd the grandstands in Louisville the first Saturday in May? Pretty ludicrous if you ask me. But I do appreciate the tradition involved. Beautiful horses that cost tens of thousands of dollars owned by America's elite running their hearts out while we watch and inebriate ourselves. God bless America right?

Oh and as far as horses that are more expensive than some houses and the elite of America go, this year's winning horse cost about as much as a used KIA Sportage and the owner personally drove the horse across the country to get there. I bet the other owners and trainers loved rubbing elbows with that guy at the after party. But his horse did win. I guess some people do actually realize the American Dream. And I bet this guy drank a sixer of Busch afterward.

3) Clubs:
There are two clubs that young professionals love to have. Book clubs and supper clubs. However I like to refer to them as yuppie white women get drunk club sometimes discussing Oprah's book of the week or yuppie white women get drunk club and bring their husbands on the pretense of good food and free booze. I've never been a member of either type of club, but I'm pretty sure this is what happens. When I talk to my mom after her middle aged women book club, she always seems a bit more talkative than usual. Coincidence? I think not. Maybe one day my future wife will wave a bottle of Crown Royal in front of my face and I'll leave the basketball game for Tivo so I can accompany her to one of her friends' houses and we can get shnockered together with a bunch of other people we "call" friends. We'll see what happens.

4) Engagement Parties:
So my friends get engaged. Yay. I know that I'm going to go the wedding and reception and be offered unlimited free alcohol, but inevitably someone is going to insist on throwing them a party to celebrate the verbal contract that has been made before the nuptials actually take place. So we celebrate twice. It's like a reception but without a band. A lot of strangers. A lot of shallow conversations. And what better social lubricant for shallow conversations with strangers than cheap champagne and wine? I'll be drinking it in about six months at the wedding, so why not have a glass or two or six now?

Congratulations or best wishes to all of the newly engaged out there or whatever the proper thing to say is. I'm still not quite sure.

5) Awards Shows:
Yes ladies I know what y'all are up to. You act like you just want to get together and watch the Oscars or Grammy's with all your bff's, but really you want to drink heavily. And sometimes you get really dressed up, which is beyond my comprehension. But you each end up downing a bottle of wine or two and you yell things at the TV when you realize Sarah Jessica Parker wasn't nominated for her stellar role in Sex in the City. And you yell even more when you realize that you haven't heard of half of the movies that are up for awards. Thank goodness they re-released Slumdog Millionaire so you all could go gawk at those cute little Indian kids from the red carpet one more time.

So it's ok to drink alcohol for no reason. That is a fact. But doesn't making up excuses to do so make life more entertaining? Doesn't cheering on an Arabian horse get your blood flowing real fast? Or maybe playing board games after supper club so you and your wife know that you are the best damn Cranium-couple ever get you riled up? No matter what, a whole freaking lot of Americans love their booze, and these five excuses to enjoy alcohol show the lengths we, yes myself included, will go to to have an occasional good time with our friends.


Drink up...