What's happened to Nick at Nite?

I vividly remember gluing myself to the television as a child on hot July nights for the "Nick at Nite Blockparty Summer." Each night featured marathons of classic American television. Munster Mondays, Lucy Tuesdays, Bewitched Be-Wednesdays, Jeannie Thursdays and Brady Fridays were the only things that made up my pre-pubescent social calendar. And I couldn't have been more content.

Nick at Nite has always been the most viewed line-up of shows in my life. I just love a good old show in syndication. But as I grew older and was able to appreciate these shows for more than their simple comedic value, I began to see them as an art form. For the most part, they were well written gems, witty satires of different types of American Life. Whether one was a teacher or a doctor or a cab driver or a regular at the local bar or a castaway on a desert island or a black man who had moved on up or a boy hitting the awkward times of adolescence, he or she could find someone on Nick at Nite with whom to identify. It was genius. A channel for children could now reach an audience who longed for the days of "good TV" all the while reaching a new audience who could go out into the world and show it that "love was all around." (See Mary Tyler Moore theme song.)

As the difficult times of my life took over, I turned to Kevin Arnold for inspiration. I remember sitting in my bed doing homework having just been dumped via AIM by my smoking hot girlfriend at the time and watching The Wonder Years. As young Kevin Arnold dealt with the pressures of junior high, the constant awkwardness with the one and only Winnie Cooper, I knew I was not alone. I was confident I could survive without that nasty wench that broke my cyber heart. She was probably a he anyway. I never really saw her.

But seriously, these classic shows became therapeutic for me in the late 90's and early 2000's. The long hard days of middle and high school were made better by falling asleep to the soothing voice of Bill Cosby playing Dr. Heathcliff Huxtable on the Cosby Show or the sound of the Fonz hitting the jukebox and making the girls melt just by saying "ehhh..." These were the glory days of Nick at Nite. Shows like Mary Tyler Moore, Dick Van Dyke, I Love Lucy, Mork and Mindy, F-Troop, MASH and Laverne and Shirley were all snippets of American Life from the 60's, 70's and 80's for me. I could see how past generations lived. And I could laugh at their wacky hi jinx along the way. Nick at Nite was my security blanket. I knew that everything would be OK as long as Nick at Nite was in my life.

But then, in 2003, it went to hell. Fast.

I could handle Cheers. I was maturing and the witty banter of Sam and Frasier and Norm always put a smile on my face. But Sabrina the Teenage Witch? Full House? The Jeff Foxworthy Show? Mad About You? Really? This was what the greatest invention of 1985 had come to? I was crushed. A part of me died the first time Melissa Joan Hart cast her spell over my precious Nick at Nite. And the odds of that part seeing a resurrection are dying more and more with each new show that is added to the lineup.


Now don't get me wrong, I love Full House. (It's probably disconcerting to those closest to me to see how much I love it.) And I love Roseanne and Wings and the Fresh Prince too. And Saved by the Bell might be my favorite show of all time, but these staples of 90's television just aren't NAN (Nick at Nite. I love abreev's.) material. It's supposed to be a channel for classic TV programming and these just aren't classics yet. One day yes, but if they aren't more than 20 years old, I just can't see them as fine, valuable antiques.

Putting these shows on is like putting an antique plate on a 1994 Toyota Celica. Someone driving a '66 Mustang has a right to be mad for letting that happen. So I'm sure that Lucille Ball is turning over in her grave knowing that Fran Drescher has taken over NAN as The Nanny. It's a travesty that she is on my beloved NAN now. And don't even get me started on that damned George Lopez. That show started in 2002. Where is the justification for airing it? I didn't even know it was a show when it ran in prime time. Leave shows like that for WGN, the CW and mynetwork TV. They don't deserve the same time slots that Taxi and Newhart once had.


I shudder to think what might lurk around the corner for NAN. I mean with Family Matters and Fresh Prince and Home Improvement taking up the prime slots, what's next? According to Wikipedia, Everyone Hates Chris is on tap for this fall. Maybe Armageddon will come before then and save us all from this "Chris" fellow everyone seems to hate so much, unless Bruce Willis pulls the human sacrifice card again. Personally, I think it's a sign when a TV aficionado like myself has legitimately never heard of a show that a rare jewel like NAN plans to show on a daily basis.

It appears dark times lie ahead. I'll pray nightly for the future of my beloved. She's gotten me through the tough times. She'll come back around. It's just like when God told Hosea to seek out the whore, the Jezebel Gomer. Hosea loved her deeply but she constantly sought other lovers. Nick at Nite has left me for the arms of a Mexican who simply isn't funny, but one day she will return to me. And hopefully she'll be bringing Marcia Brady and the rest of the classic NAN gang with her.


They say it's always darkest before the dawn. God help us all in these next few years...

And if you think TV Land makes up for Nick at Nite sucking now, you're wrong. It's not the same. At all.

Thank You Carson Daly

As a college grad without a job, I find comfort in very few things. The TBS Breakroom, a peanut butter and honey sandwich, and my roommate's Nintendo 64 are probably the top three. And I'm out of peanut butter right now if that says anything about the way things are going.

However, last night as I flipped through the channels before bed, I came across NBC's late, late, late night show, Last Call with Carson Daly, and I immediately felt more relaxed about my future.

When I was a lowly sixth grader, I remember gluing myself to the television every afternoon to see what Carson Daly had to say about the days top music videos on Total Request Live. I remember him having a passionate love affair with the woman of my dreams at the time, Jennifer Love Hewitt. And I remember thinking it was pretty damn cool that he painted two fingernails on each hand black.

After his tenure on TRL, Carson moved on to bigger and brighter things, namely, Tara Reid, Hollywood's favorite party girl. But in 2002 he began his stint hosting his current, aforementioned project, Last Call.

So as an impressionable pre-teen and later, high school student, I thought that Carson Daly really had his stuff together, his ducks in a row if you would. But over time, I slowly realized that I was wrong. Somehow this very bland boy had managed to take over television's most popular network in MTV and then place himself in the running for taking over the Tonight Show without having any marketable skill or hook (Thank God for Jimmy Fallon, I guess.). Carson Daly, my friends, is the epitome of mediocrity and yet he has a stronghold on both Hollywood and the media which gives great hope to the average Joes like me out there.

Let's look at the stats:
Carson Daly, aged 35 years
Birthday: June 22, 1973
Sign: Cancer
Height: tallish
Weight: has seen both skinny and pudgy days
Religious Views: Catholic
Political Views: Catholic and famous = liberal
Funny: no
Musical: doubt it
Attractive: from a heterosexual male's point of view, no
Wikipedia Page: short, very short, shorter than former Nickelodeon Guts' host Mike O'Malley's (pictured above right)

So what we have in Carson Daly is a guy, a very average guy, who happened to be in the right place at the right time.

I'm not trying to knock the guy by any means. Would I trade places with him? Absolutely. Do I think I have more to offer than he does? Maybe. Would the world be able to survive without him in show biz? Certainly. All I'm really trying to get at here is that Carson Daly gives a glimmer of hope to the normal guys out there, the ones who exemplify mediocrity. He's taken himself to amazing heights without being able to offer the world much more than a monotonous voice and bad jokes. So thank you Carson Daly. Thank you for helping me to feel better about myself. Hell you were once young, white, and unemployed just like me. But look at you now. A star among stars. A beautiful Hollywood story. Just a small step away from being as cool as, well, Jimmy Kimmel.



Who knows, maybe one day I might be able to light up a TV the way my man Carson does. If he can do it, anyone can. But right now, it's time for the TBS Breakroom and a honey sandwich. Yep. Just honey.

Top Five Excuses to Drink, a Lot.

Over the past few weeks I have come to realize that there are several occasions that for no apparent reason merit heavy alcohol consumption by the 20-somethings (and in some cases those older) of the world. These intoxicating affairs usually fall into one of two categories: 1) drinking in celebration of something that the "thirsty ones" don't really understand or follow or 2) trying to pass off heavy drinking as a social gathering of friends that has another phony pretense.

You might be wondering what exactly it is that I'm getting at here so I'm going to give a brief overview of my top five drinking excuses (in no particular order) that people use year in and year out to get a good buzz, or maybe to get hammered drunk with their friends and family.

1) Cinco de Mayo:
I know that on the fifth of May my compadres from south of the border rejoice for two reasons. One, their restaurants in my little college town pack out from lunch until midnight with students and townies alike trying to have a festive meal in honor of the second reason my amigos celebrate which is of course, umm... Well I don't really know. Yes, I, the brain that I am, have no idea what Cinco de Mayo is all about. I think it might be like the 4th of July in Mexico, but I'm not positive. Maybe something to do with the Alamo, but I think America came out on top there, so probably not. It could just be Ricky Martin's birthday so the people of America, whether in Memphis or Boston, Detroit or LA can live la vida loca with their good buddy Jose Cuervo. Any way you choose to look at Cinco de Mayo, unless you have serious Mexican ties, you see a holiday for drinking. Corona sales actually increase by ten percent in the two weeks building up to May fifth. (Ok. I made that up, but it seems feasible.) So next year on Cinco de May, celebrate, because you can, not because you know why.

2) The Kentucky Derby:
I walked into a friend's house this year to watch the Derby. I had my sixer of Busch tall boys, but was greeted with a complimentary Mint Julep (http://www.drinksmixer.com/drink5382.html) instead. Every year, shortly before or after the aforementioned drinking holiday, people who know next to nothing about horse racing crowd around the TV to cheer a random stallion on to victory. The actual dash lasts for roughly a minute and a half, but the party usually goes on for hours before and after. You see, here in the South especially, we love excuses to dress up, act like we know what we're talking about, and drink bourbon in some fashion. So why should we skip out on a horse race that was meant to provide an avenue to do all of the above? I mean have you seen the Colonel Sanders-esque people that crowd the grandstands in Louisville the first Saturday in May? Pretty ludicrous if you ask me. But I do appreciate the tradition involved. Beautiful horses that cost tens of thousands of dollars owned by America's elite running their hearts out while we watch and inebriate ourselves. God bless America right?

Oh and as far as horses that are more expensive than some houses and the elite of America go, this year's winning horse cost about as much as a used KIA Sportage and the owner personally drove the horse across the country to get there. I bet the other owners and trainers loved rubbing elbows with that guy at the after party. But his horse did win. I guess some people do actually realize the American Dream. And I bet this guy drank a sixer of Busch afterward.

3) Clubs:
There are two clubs that young professionals love to have. Book clubs and supper clubs. However I like to refer to them as yuppie white women get drunk club sometimes discussing Oprah's book of the week or yuppie white women get drunk club and bring their husbands on the pretense of good food and free booze. I've never been a member of either type of club, but I'm pretty sure this is what happens. When I talk to my mom after her middle aged women book club, she always seems a bit more talkative than usual. Coincidence? I think not. Maybe one day my future wife will wave a bottle of Crown Royal in front of my face and I'll leave the basketball game for Tivo so I can accompany her to one of her friends' houses and we can get shnockered together with a bunch of other people we "call" friends. We'll see what happens.

4) Engagement Parties:
So my friends get engaged. Yay. I know that I'm going to go the wedding and reception and be offered unlimited free alcohol, but inevitably someone is going to insist on throwing them a party to celebrate the verbal contract that has been made before the nuptials actually take place. So we celebrate twice. It's like a reception but without a band. A lot of strangers. A lot of shallow conversations. And what better social lubricant for shallow conversations with strangers than cheap champagne and wine? I'll be drinking it in about six months at the wedding, so why not have a glass or two or six now?

Congratulations or best wishes to all of the newly engaged out there or whatever the proper thing to say is. I'm still not quite sure.

5) Awards Shows:
Yes ladies I know what y'all are up to. You act like you just want to get together and watch the Oscars or Grammy's with all your bff's, but really you want to drink heavily. And sometimes you get really dressed up, which is beyond my comprehension. But you each end up downing a bottle of wine or two and you yell things at the TV when you realize Sarah Jessica Parker wasn't nominated for her stellar role in Sex in the City. And you yell even more when you realize that you haven't heard of half of the movies that are up for awards. Thank goodness they re-released Slumdog Millionaire so you all could go gawk at those cute little Indian kids from the red carpet one more time.

So it's ok to drink alcohol for no reason. That is a fact. But doesn't making up excuses to do so make life more entertaining? Doesn't cheering on an Arabian horse get your blood flowing real fast? Or maybe playing board games after supper club so you and your wife know that you are the best damn Cranium-couple ever get you riled up? No matter what, a whole freaking lot of Americans love their booze, and these five excuses to enjoy alcohol show the lengths we, yes myself included, will go to to have an occasional good time with our friends.


Drink up...

Blogging. How romantic. Not.

Well...

I guess since I no longer have a tangible avenue with which to share my thoughts and opinions that I will succumb to the dark side of web logging or blogging as I've heard it referred to as. I decided after my tenure at the University of Mississippi ended earlier today that I would need to continue to hone my writing skills in some facet since The Daily Mississippian can no longer be the source of gainful employment or media exposure that it has conveniently been for the last sixteen months or so. And after an hour plus of fidgeting with all of my options as far as this site's appearance goes, I quickly have realized that I hate blogging. But for your sake, all seven of you, I will persevere and get the ball rolling for my Wednesdays with Warner blog.

So, as it seems pertinent to to the situation at hand, I will address the whole concept of "the blog" in this week's post. A lot of people are using blogs these days. Professors, employers, girls in love with the Jonas Brothers, boys in love with the Jonas Brothers, accountants, lawyers, and so many more have all turned to the trendy and simple life of blogging to share their ideas, secrets, recipes, and fave J Bros. songs and hair do's (personally I really like Jesse McCartney, but you can check out warnysjmacblog.blogspot.com for more info on that topic).

But really, what makes the blog such a great thing? Isn't it just another website that you can update all the time to share useless things with the web using world (see myspace, facebook, and Twitter)? I mean I guess it is easier than learning a whole different language like HTML or those other weird codes that our computer geek friends know and speak to one another. But if we take web design and the like away from them, what are they going to have to be better at than the rest of the world? What if all the techies revolt and kill all the normal people? If we normals continue blogging at the pace we are right now, then life as we know it could be over. So in order to prevent this hostile take over by our computer savvy, pale, nonathletic friends, I will attempt to address some of the blogs out there in cyberspace that are absolutely worthless and others that life wouldn't be the same without...

I'll go ahead and get the one that pisses everyone off out of the way first so you can stop reading and start hating me before wasting any more time.

1) Travel Blogs:
I understand that people love to travel, especially college age people. You love to go abroad and carry your over sized North Face packs around and look very American. You try your hardest to fit in by buying trendy Italian clothes, but you inevitably stick out like sore thumbs, to put it in terms of a terrible cliche. And you miss your friends back at school SO much that you just want to tell them everything. So instead of writing e-mails or even facebook messages or using Skype or even trying your best at handwritten letters, you create blogs. And they always have such deep titles. "Walking into a Spanish Sunset" or "When in Rome..." or "Finally. France." are all such poignant headings over a background of your futile attempts at artsy photography. And you post these blogs on your facebook walls and expect your friends to read them word for word. And when they don't you get offended. Maybe it's because your friends back home don't want to be just another follower of another blog. Or they might want to hear about your great travels when you get home. Or maybe they realize not every freaking detail is important. While they want to know about the crazy train ride across Spain that you almost didn't make, they really could care less about the blister you have on your heel from walking around, all day, every day in your new shoes. So do us a favor all you study abroad bloggers. Spare us the extra website we grudgingly put on our toolbar and write us an email. It means a lot more than typing in a website once every few days to try to keep up with your wicked sweet travels.

2) Life Blogs:
I don't care what time you woke up or where you ate lunch or what you wore to work. And I sure don't care enough to read about it online. If I wanted to know the mundane details of your life, I would call you. And if that is all that is interesting enough to tell people about on a daily or weekly basis, yikes. Good luck with your future endeavors. It's going to be a rough road ahead.

3) Event Blogs:
It might seem easy for weddings and birthday parties and anniversary parties to be put into a blog, but it just seems a bit selfish. This is our story. This is where we got engaged. This is what I want for my birthday. If you feel the need to let the whole world know about all of this, then you're wrong. Again, e-mails and facebook groups are better formats to use to share this info with those that need to know. Sorry to all those of my engaged friends out there.

Now for the blogs we can't go without looking at daily.

1) fmylife.com:
If you haven't been, go now. You will feel much better about your life immediately.

2) textsfromlastnight.com:
Be prepared to laugh until you might throw up. The name explains it all. Text messages ranging from being drunk to having promiscuous sex to overhearing murder confessions can all be found on this life changing blog.

3) Class Blogs:
Professors and teachers should be applauded for going electronic. It is so nice to have a syllabus available online anytime and every assignment posted daily with an e-mail reminder sent to you the day before. It's every slacker's dream and every overachievers most visited site. On behalf of college and high school students everywhere, thank you.

So blogging. Kick ass. I'm not a solution but a part of the problem now. And a hypocrite. But what else is new? Hopefully this blog will be amusing for the few of you that might read it. But probably not. And I'm ok with that. I'll move on. And I'll keep writing despite the fact.

Thanks for reading. Stay tuned for more...
Warner