TV to Movie Wishlist

Remember a few years back when someone had the grand idea to cast Nicole Kidman and Will Ferrell in a remake of the classic TV show Bewitched? Well, I never saw it but I heard it was pretty wretched.

Of course making movies from television programs isn't a new concept. See: The Fugitive, The Brady Bunch, Wayne's World, Transformers, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Starsky and Hutch and Mission Impossible. But when Bewitched came on TBS the other night (again I didn't watch it) it got me thinking about other classic shows I would like to see made into feature films.

Here are a few ideas. Let's take a gander...

1) M*A*S*H:

This is kind of a tricky one because it was a movie first and then a TV show and now I want it to be a movie again. But the idea seems feasible. Over the past fifteen years we've seen countless movies about war, ranging from Saving Private Ryan for WWII to this year's The Hurt Locker depicting action in the current war with Iraq. Point being, war movies are a dime a dozen. But we rarely see military flicks that are designed to make us laugh. M*A*S*H would fill that void, a void that is in dire need to be filled in a time where the general opinion of war separates one half of the population from the other. Maybe a funny movie on the subject would lighten the mood a bit.

Any-who, let's look at the potential dream cast for this one. I feel like pulling from the so called "Frat Pack" aka 'The Apatow Army" would be a wise call as they seem to be able to turn anything into box office gold. Alan Alda's character Hawkeye would be a great fit for Paul Rudd. Wayne Rogers' Trapper McIntyre would of course be handed to Will Ferrell (hopefully it will work out better than the aforementioned Bewitched) or Seth Rogen. Radar O"Reilly, formerly played by Gary Burghoff, would be nice for Jason Alexander, but he might be a bit old these days so perhaps Jason Schwartzman. And of course, there's Maxwell Klinger, the sergeant who attempted over and over again to be discharged for psychological reasons by dressing in girl's clothes. I'm thinking Michael Cera. Finally, the draw for the male crowd ages 14-27, the sex symbol of the show, Hot Lips Houlihan. The options are endless for this one. They could go over the top with a Jenny McCarthy or Pamela Anderson type. It could be more subtle a la Kate Hudson or Christine Taylor. Or it could be a choice a little left of center with a striking, fine female like Blake Lively. Pick a few of my choices for the cast of the new M*A*S*H and you're sure to have success.

2) Sanford and Son:

There are millions out there that want this one. I just have that feeling in my gut. If you're not familiar with the show, it chronicles the story of a father and son's life in urban Los Angeles. The father, Fred, played by Redd Foxx, was a junk dealer and his son Lamont, played by Desmond Wilson owned half of the junk business, but Sanford was the boss. Son was the worker.

In a fantasy world, or at least my fantasy world, this would be the perfect film for Will Smith and Morgan Freeman to collaborate on. If Freeman could be as sassy as Foxx was on the show, it would work out well. But to sell two huge actors on this would be tough. It might work with Smith portraying the elder Sanford with an up and coming black actor as Lamont. Maybe Nick Cannon or Columbus Short of Stomp the Yard fame.

There's a lot that could be done with this one. I'm optimistic about it. We'll see what happens. And if done correctly, it could be as funny as men getting hit in the crotch.

3) All in the Family:

Practically the same show as Sanford and Son except it appealed to white people. Blue collar family struggling to make it pretty much sums it up. Throw John Goodman in as Archie Bunker, Roseanne Barr in as Edith, and... wait they did that as a different show with the exact same concept. Nevermind. Scratch that.


And last but not least...

4) Taxi:

A great show from the late 70's and early 80's that must be remade for the silver screen. Judd Hirsch, Christopher Lloyd, Andy Kaufman, Jeff Conaway, Tony Danza, Marilu Henner and Danny DeVito. What A-list Hollywood stars wouldn't want to play these small screen legends as they try to retell the story of a New York taxi company?

Put Jeff Goldblum in the lead as the serious cabbie, Alex Rieger because everyone is eagerly anticipating Goldblum's comeback. Tom Hanks might be more of a draw, but I vote for Jeff. Then take Jerry Seinfeld and let him portray Kaufman's crazy Latka. Mix in a little bit of Sean William Scott for Reverend Jim Ingnatowksi, the recovering drug addict. And round out the cast with Owen Wilson as Bobby Wheeler, the wannabe actor, Jason Alexander (yes again) as Louie De Palma, the overbearing dispatcher, and finally Julia Roberts as Elaine Nardo, the struggling artist and single mother of two. Let's be honest, nobody wants to play the role that Tony Danza once had so we'll leave that one for Matt Leblanc.

With that cast, this movie cannot be stopped. Watch out Titanic, here comes the Taxi.

So those are just a few of my favorite options for movies I'd like to see that were once beloved television programs.

Here are some honorable mentions:
Mork and Mindy
Gilligan's Island
All in the Family (seriously)
The Facts of Life
Welcome Back Kotter
The Wonder Years (perhaps a bit too soon)
Laverne and Shirley
Happy Days (I think it was called Grease and has already been remade though.)

If you've ever seen any of the shows I've mentioned, you understand. However, if you haven't, one day you will be sitting in a theater watching a screening of M*A*S*H or Sanford and Son and you will want to see them in their original form, on the small screen.

Until next time, pleasant viewings.

Just(ice) a Travesty

In politics, a field filled with lies and corruption, men and women alike try their hardest (in a few cases) to better their realm, whether national, statewide or local. A handful of these politicians have affairs, hire prostitutes, and in short ruin lives and families. In almost all cases, they are blacklisted from any future political endeavors. They resign their posts, make public apologies, go through bitter divorces or marriage rebuilding and are rarely heard from again, save for Slick Bill Clinton of course. But the fact remains that they most likely will never again be afforded any credibility in the public eye simply for making morally unsound judgments that flaw their character and hurt the ones closest to them. I understand that character flaws could also play into their ability to oversee government, but they usually are never given that chance again after making these mistakes.

(Disclaimer: I in no way condone the aforementioned actions, but as you will soon find out, the actions and consequences of these few political figures pale in comparison to the actions and consequences of our beloved athletic heroes.)

On the other hand, athletes can pretty much do whatever they want and get away with it receiving nothing more than a proverbial slap on the wrist. Keep in mind when I say whatever they want, I mean actions much more serious than extramarital affairs and the like. I'm talking killing living things, doing drugs, "making it rain" on exotic dancers before beating them, etc...

In no other organization does this principle ring truer than in the National Football League and with its players.

Unless, for the past several years you have been living with a tribe of unknown, non-speaking Aborigines in a location that has yet to be discovered, then you have probably heard the names Michael Vick and Donte Stallworth rather frequently.

In case you haven't, I'll try to catch you up on their plights in a few words.

Michael Vick. Quarterback for Atlanta Falcons. Stellar athlete. Endorsements galore. Millionaire. Killed dogs and ran an underground dog fighting ring for a couple of years. Found out. Trial. Jail for over a year. House arrest for six weeks. Signed earlier this month with Philadelphia Eagles. Returns to the field soon. Welcome back to the NFL.

Donte Stallworth. Receiver for Cleveland Browns. Stellar athlete. Endorsements galore. Millionaire. Got drunk, drove, had a wreck, killed a guy. Vehicular manslaughter. Turned himself in, at the request of his attorney. 24 days in jail. Suspended by NFL Commissioner for a year without pay. Saga to be continued.

After reading these brief summaries or keeping up with the stories via ESPN, does their appear to be some sort of injustice that has occurred?

Yeah... thought so.

Now don't get me wrong, I love dogs, probably more than most people ever will. But regardless of the severity of Vick's actions, it seems a bit off for his punishment to be more severe than Stallworth's. Stallworth was intoxicated, decided to get behind the wheel of a car and the result of his decision was the loss of another human life, the loss of one's son, father, husband or brother. Normal people, those that don't make millions of dollars playing professional sports, would usually get well in excess of a year for this crime, usually three or more depending on their home state, but Stallworth got a mere 24 days, likely in a white collar, business man prison, a la Martha Stewart.

There really isn't too much more to say about this. The facts speak from themselves. It's not justice to let people off because of their status as an athlete or celebrity. And it's not justice to merely suspend sports figures for a few games for crimes like manslaughter.

Is it fair the Stallworth gets suspended for a year without pay when Ricky Williams and Adam "Pac Man" Jones have both been suspended for longer periods of time for lesser crimes (assault, marijuana abuse, disturbing the peace)? Is it fair that Plaxico Burress could serve up to three years in jail for shooting himself by mistake in the leg just because he had a concealed weapon in New York City when Stallworth for all practical purposes murdered someone and got less than a month in jail? Of course it's not fair. But what can I do about it?

Maybe it's time for the professional sports organization's commissioners to treat their players like real people as opposed to superhuman heroes. Maybe they should act like voters and other politicians do after a congressman or governor has an affair and force them out of the limelight so they can take time to better their lives.

I honestly have no solution for this problem, but it is a problem. It is not justice to let people slide because they entertain us on a field or a court or even on television or on the radio. Last time I checked, all men were created equal, and for the justice system to treat people in the public eye differently than the average man is simply put a travesty.

And if you think it's just the players, don't forget the coaches. They can be just as bad and still go unpunished.


A wise duck, Daffy that is, once said, "Consequences, schmonsequences, as long as I'm rich."


Guess the bad seed sports heroes and celebrities watched a lot of cartoons growing up...

Hootie and the Alanis Morissette-Fish

In the fall of 1996, I, Warner Russell, being nearly ten years old was on the brink of becoming very fascinated with music, in particular live concerts. I had seen Mr. Jimmy Buffett at the ripe age of seven with my parents, and in the ever crucial fourth grade year, I had an important decision to make. My dad told me he would take me to see one concert at the now empty and worthless Pyramid Arena. Fortunately, either act I picked would be one that almost guaranteed an enjoyable experience. But which would I choose? Would I choose the angry, bitter, pale female, or the happy go lucky guys from South Carolina?

If you haven't figured it out by now, I had the option to see either Alanis Morissette or Hootie and the Blowfish.

To avoid any more suspense for you, I will go ahead and tell you I picked Hootie.

But this edition of my weekly rant has nothing much to do with that concert in particular, or the three or four other times I've gone swimming with the Blowfish. Mainly I just wanted to look at how one big debut album can rocket a person or a band into the spotlight, and then crush them because no subsequent releases will ever live up to the original.

First, Ms. Morissette:

Technincally Jagged Little Pill was not Alanis' debut, but if you can name her two previous albums, (both released while she was still a high school student in Canada nonetheless) I would be quite flabbergasted.

But it is undeniable how successful Jagged Little Pill was. Six of the twelve tracks became hit singles. It taught kids how to cuss, really well. And everyone who was born in 1988 or before probably knows every word to the uber-incredible "Ironic." She even won four Grammy's after being nominated for six. It is one of three albums to stay in the top for over a year. While this is all really good and impressive, the real amazing feat is how many copies of this album were sold. It sold 33 million albums. That's 33x platinum. Three times diamond. Ridiculous numbers. The fourteenth best selling album... of all time. And Dirty Dancing shouldn't count, so we'll say thirteenth since we can eliminate Swayze's soundtrack of shame.

To put this in perspective, to show how monumental this album was, a brief anecdote: my freshman year of college, a friend, now roommate, popped in my dorm room and was browsing through my CD's. I told him he could borrow whatever ones he wished, put them on his computer, etc. He found one out of a few hundred that he wanted. Jagged Little Pill. He tried to put it on his computer and iPod. But, "OH NO," it was scratched. He spent literally hours trying to save it, rubbing it incessantly with t-shirts, washcloths and CD cleaning wipes, and finally after a week of trying, got it to work. He informed me this morning he's recording an Alanis live show on our DVR. I guess some people just love her that much.

But what next for the Canadian, anger-pop diva extraordinaire? Exactly. I have no idea. I remember she released some album of soft, mellow ballads. It had no dirty words. No talk of flipping the bird or flicking cigarettes. It had a video that got some pretty good play on MTV and vh1 in particular, because, oh yeah, she was naked. Even the CD artwork was her in the buff. Shameful publicity stunts to sell records. Gag. The music wasn't good. She knew it. So she got nakey. Piss poor Alanis. Piss poor. (See above right: naked.)

And what's worse, realizing that nothing could ever compare to the gem of the album that was Jagged Little Pill, she released an acoustic version of it ten years later simply to appeal to the 33 million people that already bought it but had grown older and wanted something mellow to listen to while trying to seal up their second or third marriage. When they were young and angry and bitter towards their parents they listened to JLP while trying to get to second base with their future ex-spouse and now they listen to it again while drinking boxed wine in the suburbs trying to land a new future ex-spouse. Ironic, huh?

Hey, at least she landed Ryan Reynolds for a few years. He's SOOOOO funny in The Proposal.


Now for Mr. Hootie and his Blowfish:

Two words: Dan Marino. In the video for the smash hit single "Only Wanna Be With You" Dan Marino throws the old pigskin with the guys. Freaking awesome.


But when Cracked Rear View was released in 1994, I'm pretty sure the boys from South Carolina that were used to playing frat parties and drinking beer had no idea what was in store for them when David Letterman started mentioning their name on almost every episode of his show for a span of several months. I guess he just liked the band and their goofy name and wanted them to make it big. Thanks Dave.

Fifteen years later, Cracked Rear View has sold over 26 million copies making it the 33rd highest selling album ever. Again, similar to Jagged Little Pill, most people born before 1988 probably know every word to at least one song if not three or four. They were all catchy. They were all fun. They were all easy to play on the guitar to impress the ladies.

But here's the real question... Do you remember where you were when you found out Hootie, aka Darius Rucker, was black? Well I do. He was on the Today Show episode I was watching before heading to school. I was shocked, but also happy that racial barriers in the music world were still being broken down even after that terrible Vanilla Ice incident of the late 80's. Pretty sure black people still hate me for that one.

But after looking in the Cracked Rear View, what was next for the band? If you're having trouble answering, you're not alone. Fairweather Johnson, Musical Chairs, Looking for Lucky... Any of these ring a bell? Because these are the post Rear View releases. I had two of them. I listened to one song combined from those two. Oh, and they had a song on the Friends' soundtrack from that episode where Rachel and Phoebe and Joey can't afford to go to their concert but Ross and Monica and Chandler go and the guy Monica used to babysit takes them backstage and she gets a hickey from a Blowfish. Yeah, it's a good episode. Joey and Rachel and Phoebe however sit at home and play "How Many Fingers is Joey Holding Up?". At least Matt LeBlanc had some success after Friends. Joey was the best sit-com EVER!

Now, HATB are defunct. No more releases from the guys, completely eliminating them from ever having their initial success duplicated. Darius moved on to a solo country career. Yep, a black guy singing country. But I have the album Learn to Live and I enjoy it. As for the rest of the Blowfish... who cares? And who could forget the Burger King Tendercrisp Bacon Cheddar Ranch?


I'll close with this, another anecdote to put Hootie in perspective for you. I went to see them in Memphis a few years back at the Botanic Gardens, a lovely outdoor venue for older people to come see the bands they would once wait in line for hours to see. People bring picnics and lawn chairs and wine and sit and watch the show. A very enjoyable atmosphere to say the least. But as I sat and watched, the guitarist, whose name is unimportant, said he was going to invite a good friend of the band out to sit in on a song. Being from Memphis, people get excited at concerts when things like this are said. Justin Timberlake? BB King? Steve Cropper? Nope. John Daly. John "Fat Ass, Terrible, Redneck, Alcoholic, Gambling Fiend, Golfer" Daly came out and played "Knocking on Heaven's Door" with Hootie and the Blowfish. Piss poor Hootie. Piss poor. (It was hard not to use his mug shot.)

So here's to you Alanis and Hootie. Thanks for making me cool in elementary school because I had your CD's. And thanks for making me a huge dork for still listening to them at age 22.

PS: I will be going to see Darius Rucker play hits from his solo album at Sam's Town Casino, Tunica in October. I hope he takes a swim down Blowfish memory lane and plays some Hootie classics.

Cast yourself. It's all the Entou-Rage.

As a self-proclaimed sitcom connoisseur, I find myself appreciating television shows for numerous reasons. Humor, wit, intelligence, attractive females, etc. But every once in a while a show comes along with a quality that few others truly possess: having characters that everyone in the known realm can easily identify with.

Friends, for example, was the end all be all of sitcoms that people could pick a character that legitimately represented the person they were. Joey: dumb guy, jockish, gets all the girls. Ross: nerd, OCD, looking for love in all the wrong places. Chandler: sarcastic, commitment-phobe, a product of a truly broken home. Rachel: pretty, fashiobable, the love of most men's hearts. Monica: the homemaker that maintains hotness. And of course Phoebe: the free spirit, guitar playing, vegetarian, quasi-hippie. It's easy for the average American to place him or herself in the shoes of one of these characters, almost down to the very last detail. Who am I you might ask? Chandler. No question about it.

But now, thanks to Home Box Office, aka HBO, the entire world has been given two programs that take casting yourself as a major player to a whole new level. One for the "Y" chromosomes and one for the testosterone, babe chasing wannabes. Sex and the City and Entourage have both become cultural phenomenons that most people who have HBO, TBS or a DVD player have latched onto so they can live vicariously through someone else who is richer, prettier and more successful.

Since I have never spent an entire 30 minutes with Carrie and the gang, I really have no ability to place those characters into any type of Venn diagram. But I have been a relatively avid watcher of Entourage over the past couple of years, so I would like to take a few moments to look at each character and finally close with a brutal truth that my male readers will most likely disagree with.

Let's go for the bottom up for sticking with me sake. Who wants to read about the winners and then the losers? Not me, so go with me on this one.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Little brother to star, Vincent Chase. Struggling actor. Ten years or so older than the rest of the fellows. Saw moderate success in the 90's. Trying to break back in. Loves girls; has a hard time getting them to look his way. Clings to the glory days like Britney Spears clings to her white trash ways. (No rhyme intended.)

Chances are you might be a Drama type if you talk constantly about better days gone by, if your life revolves around landing a member of the opposite sex or if you have constantly lived in the shadow of someone else. It's a sad story, but as long as you have someone cooler to hang onto, you're good to go. Unfortunately not everyone has a movie star younger brother.

Sal "Turtle" Assante:
Uber-mooch. This fella relies on his starlet BFF for everything. Housing, food, clothing all come from others' pockets. Loves dressing a teeny tiny tad on the thug side. Also enjoys the soothing comforts of cannabis. His pride and joy: a collection of Nike sneakers, for show, not sport.

Turtle is your character if you're pudgy, worthless or rely on others to provide your day to day neccesities. While you might be a teddy bear type, you're still tossed to the side before bed for the cuter, slimmer, more attractive, more famous, human being. A good best friend but a lousy member of society.

Lloyd:
The funny, gay guy that takes shit from just about everyone.

If you're Lloyd, chances are you watch and identify more with Sex and the City. But if you're OK with that, so am I.

Eric "E" Murphy:
A smart, OCD business type. Logical, responsible, boring, blah blah blah. But... he is a good friend, and he gets the most aesthetically pleasing female of the entire show (in my opinion) to be his girlfriend for several episodes. He watches out for the group. He's the kind of guy you want to be on your side because he'll get you out of the crap you get yourself into. He might not be super cool, maybe even dorky, but he's kind of a bad ass in his own right.

If you don't really care about being a famous, center of attention type and would rather be behind the scenes, you're E. It's not a bad spot to be in, again if you have someone famous that can take you places you can't take yourself.

Now the inner turmoil begins. Who gets top billing on this installment of Wednesdays with Warner? Ari Gold or Vincent Chase.

Ari Gold.

So first, Vinnie Chase:
He's famous, good lucking (heterosexually speaking of course) and women to him instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. Guys want to be him. Girls, with him. He makes blockbuster hits, drives the nicest cars, has the biggest house and pretty much gets whatever he might want. If I go into much more detail, you might assume some things about my sexual orientation.

And last, the backbone of Entourage Ari Gold:
He's ruthless, opinionated, politically incorrect and has a mouth dirtier than Paris Hilton's (metaphorically speaking). He can bring men to their knees in tears and never fails to let people know he is the boss, of everyone and everything. He has a smokin' wife and despite his success remains a family man. He drives a great, classy car and pretty much runs the show in Hollywood. Who wouldn't want to be that guy? I'd love to trade places with him just for a day.

Unfortunately guys, there is only room for so many Vincent Chases and Ari Golds in this world. And sadly, you probably aren't remotely like either one of them. Sure your vernacular has probably gone through a downward spiral trying to talk like Ari or your wardrobe has seen a chic tansformation so you can dress like Vince, but that doesn't mean you're either one.

In our world, everyone wants to be the star or the boss. But, it's not going to happen for most of us avergae Joes. I'm glad that I identify with E. If there were more E's in the world, things would run alot smoother. Some people are obviously Dramas are Turtles (see left). These are the ones that on Sunday nights, when they gather around the tube, put their dibs on being Vince or Ari. I mean, you can say all day long that you are most like these two power men, but your friends will quickly tell you you're not. Just like I wrote earlier, there is a brutal truth to this and that is, odds are you can't be Ari or Vince. It's just not that easy. I know you won't believe me, and that's OK. But the next time you call someone a "rusty [explitive] bucket" to try and sound cool, you're probably doing more harm than good.

I love me some Entourage, and so do tens of millions of other people. But next time you sit down to catch the latest story of Vince and the guys, be realistic in how you cast yourself.

And also, if you're looking for a fine woman out there, try to find a Dana Gordon or a Sloan McQuewick type. The Entourage watchers will know what I mean.