I'm Coming Back

Prepare yourselves. I will be back with a full post in less than a week. Let's get some buzz going around the web, and I will see each of you back here very, very soon.

things i'd like to see in 2010

well the new year has passed, and after a recent trip to the gym, i realized so have the resolutions. so i figured since we're 21 days into 2010, i would share with you a few things i would like to see in the next 11 months.

i know it's been awhile since my last post, but patience is a virtue young grasshoppers. enjoy this one. you never know when the next might come around.

oh. and i eliminated capitalization. because i'm lazy and the shift button seems like too much work for the new decade. unless it's iPod. or iPhone. or anything with 'i' in front of it.

1) the zack morris iPhone cover:

pretty self explanatory. after reading dustin diamond's tell all book, behind the bell i found myself longing to see zack morris pull that gargantuan beige cell phone from somewhere out of his nether regions again. i mean really. where was that sucker hiding?

but seriously, as a child, i remember my grandfather carrying one of those phones around even though he never used it and thinking it was pretty bad 'a'. i'm sure i'm not alone.

so hey apple, or whoever makes iPhone covers (i don't have one, so i'm not real sure), why not make millions of covers that look like the same model as tv's golden boy carried, slap a $50 price tag on it and wait for every 13 to 25 year to buy one? obviously it would be a novelty piece, but i kid you not, i think a crap ton of people would buy one.

and for that matter, how about letting the original nokia brick phone that introduced us to face-plates and snake make a resurgence for us non-trendy, non-iPhone users? i'm sure some people still have it, so at least they wouldn't be so embarrassed to carry it around any more.

2) batman vs. james bond:

yes. i would like to see every person that's played james bond have a tag team match against every person that's ever played batman. i'm not sure exactly what actors have played bond, and frankly, i don't want to open a new tab to look it up on wikipedia. but i do know that sean connery and daniel craig are pretty dank fellows, and pierce brosnan did tear up the big screen in mrs. doubtfire, so why not let the others join them to battle michael keaton, val kilmer, george clooney, and christian bale. and i think adam west was the really old batman, but he might be dead.

if this isn't possible, then bring back celebrity deathmatch and let 'em duke it out there.

plus the under card of all the bond girls vs. all of the batman love interests in a pillow fight match sounds very intriguing.

3) the secret of the island:

no. i'm not talking about lost. i'm talking about the island that everyone knows exists, but nobody can seem to find. the island that holds riches the world has never seen. the island that boasts the most beautiful beaches but has only been inhabited by a lucky few.

yep. you got it. the island where elvis, michael jackson, tupac, and biggie are kicking it. none of them are dead. we all know that. so we must find where they live. and we must bring them back. who needs locke and ben linus and jack and kate and sawyer when this secret place is out there?

4) the end of 24:

8 seasons? 9 seasons? whatever. jack bauer hasn't even lived out 2 weeks of his life over a span of almost a decdade. it was a novel idea when created, but in 20 years, he will have lived all of a month. will people still oooh and ahh over it then? do yourselves a favor fox. kill him while you're ahead.

5) flavored shampoo:

how many times have you been in the shower when nobody's home? you know the roommates or husband or parents are gone. so naturally you start belting out beyonce. then the shampoo gets in your mouth and you gag. and sometimes you throw up a little because your one gag leads to hacking which leads to a nice dry heave.

so how do you avoid this and keep the imaginary simon cowell pleased? flavored shampoo. strawberry. chocolate. orange. stuffed lobster. whatever. just let it taste good. that way the little bit you get in your mouth doesn't ruin your morning.

the only foreseeable drawback i could see with this one is if a fat kid got a hold of it. yep, he'd drink it like the weird kids drank glue back in the first grade. and chances are, even if it tasted good, downing a whole bottle probably wouldn't be too healthy or even safe for that matter.

6) 'n sync reunion:

no explanation necessary.

so that's what i want in 2010. if you can make it happen, let me know. i'll give you a kiss on the lips or a pat on the back depending on your preference. if you can't make it happen, that's ok too. but i probably won't ever want to be your friend.

happy new year. go back to the gym. put down the cigarettes. spend more time with your friends. don't watch as much tv. read more books.

damn. i have a lot to do.

It's a cop-out, but it's pretty entertaining stuff and also quite true...

The other day I received an e-mail from a friend containing some thoughts that most people ages 22-35 have pretty frequently...

(In no way do I take credit for any of these. Instead I'm just trying to spread some holiday cheer.)

-I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.

-More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can
think about is that I can't wait for them to finish so that I can tell
my own story that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

-Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you
realize you're wrong.

-I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to
have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and
sticks when they've invented the lighter?

-Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you're
going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to
be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the
direction from which you came, you have to first do something like
check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to
yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're
crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

-That's enough, Nickelback.

-I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

-Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose
not to be friends with?

-Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't
work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically
fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all
know how to fix the p roblem? There was no internet or message boards
or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.

-There is a great need for sarcasm font.

-Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and
suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first
saw it.

-I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually
becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting
90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's
laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little
bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the
only one who really, really gets it.

-How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

-I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than
take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

- I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear
your computer history if you die.

-The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying t o
finish a text.

- A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the
spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

- Was learning cursive really necessary?

- LOL has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".

- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.

- Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely petrifying.

- Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart",
all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".

- How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod
and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?

- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up
to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

- Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in'
examples, I will undoubtedly draw a b lank and sound like a complete
idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and
said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"

-What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

- While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and
instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.

- MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the
person died.

- I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the
shower first and THEN turn on the water.

-Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty,
and you can wear them forever.

- I would like to officially coin the phrase 'catching the swine flu'
to be used as a way to make fun of a friend for hooking up with an
overweight woman. Example: "Dave caught the swine flu last night."

-I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

- Bad decisions make good stories

-Whenever I'm facebook stalking someone and I find out that their
profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got
the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if
I do!

- Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

-If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring
would probably just be completely invisible.

-Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go
around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly
nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be
a problem....

-You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work
when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything
productive for the rest of the day.

-Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don't
want to have to restart my collection.

- While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for
China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly
certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

-There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are
going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

-I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me
if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I
swear I did not make any changes to.

- "Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.

-I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people
watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will
they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't
watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and
leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'

-I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello?
Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine time s and
goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone
and run away?

- I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not
seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

-When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she
hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light
internet stalking.

-I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle,
then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

-Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising
speed for pedophiles...

- As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers,
but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

-Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still
not know what time it is.

-It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

-I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to
answer when they call.

-Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.

-Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car
keys in a pocket, finding their iPod, and Pinning the Tail on the
Donkey - but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze
button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time
every time...

-My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would
happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?

-It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and
the link takes me to a video instead of text.

-I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they
drive behind obeys the speed limit.

-I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

-I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lite than Kay.

-The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw
they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words,
someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think
about it, and=2 0then estimated that there must be at least four
people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was
eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat
bastard before dinner

Have a swell rest of the week.

Tim Tebow parties in the USA...

There are things and people that come into our lives that we obviously love. And there are things and people that come into our lives that we obviously hate. But then there are a few things and people that we come across that we know we should hate, but we simply cannot.

Examples:

We love The Beatles. We love college football. We love naps on rainy Sunday afternoons. We love Oreos.

We hate Nickelback. We hate being on a road trip and having to pee really bad. We hate Osama bin Laden. We hate Notre Dame.

So what should we hate but find it impossible to?

Tim Tebow and the song "Party in the USA."

Over the past semester, (I don't know if I can still use that word since I'm not a student, but whatev.) I have tried so hard to hate the two aforementioned things, but just can't seem to darken my heart enough to.

After a late night dance party my roommate decided to throw on a gameday weekend in Oxford, MS, I thought I could never hear Miley's smash hit again without wanting to vomit. Over a three hour period of trying to fall asleep, I heard my roomie and his dancing pals play that song no less than 15 times, no exaggeration.

So it was ingrained in my head to associate the song with hate and rage. But every time I heard it after the fact it grew and grew on me until I couldn't help but dance to it and sing along with it myself. It's catchy. It's funny. It uses the phrase"L.A.X." What's not to love?

Do people judge me because I like it? NO! Because everyone lik... no, loves that jam. It's destined to be one of the greatest songs of our generation, and one day I hope I can crank it up in the car pool line and have my kids sing along to it with their Pops.

But you can't deny that the song is cheesy, poppy and designed for 13 year old girls. I should hate it, but I can't. I bet you could walk into a Gothic kid's room while nobody else was home and he'd be singing along with it on his iTunes. Of course it would be disguised with a Slipknot song title so when it's number one on his most played list he won't lose any Goth street cred.

Moving in a different direction: Tim Tebow.

He's just too good to be true. He's like Tiger Woods minus the affairs and the berating of photo snappers trying to get a pic of him. Watching him play and lead his teammates is like tasting Jello for the first time. It's like seeing the Mighty Ducks for the first time. It just inspires.

Now I understand if you are an Alabama or Tennessee of Georgia or FSU fan that you, by law, have to hate him, and I understand. But you can't not respect the guy. I mean in the last two years, his only loss was at the hands of my Ole Miss Rebels, and I honestly don't know which got me more jacked up, our win or his post game promise to never lose again.

He's the best player in the history of college football, maybe even college sports, he's a kid of character and faith and his desire to win is only matched by his desire to help the people around him.

So we want to hate him, then we see the 10 minute interview on Sportscenter and we think, "Crap. Dude's a great guy."

I thought for awhile that Bama would prevail this coming up weekend. Nope. Tim Tebow won't lose. It's just not possible. And for that we try and hate him, but in crowded rooms watching the game we all find ourselves cheering silently for him every time he touches the ball and getting silently choked up when he discusses his faith and the mission work he's done.

Bottom line is that Tim Tebow and Miley Cyrus need to have two kids. A boy that can follow in his dad's footsteps and a girl that can pump out the hits like her mom so the next generation can appreciate the dilemma all the world is in trying to hate the two but secretly loving them. So Miley and Tim, if you happen to read this, do your best to make that happen, for the kids of course, both yours and the general population's.

Other things we should hate, but we really love:

1) Professional Wrestling
2) Wednesdays with Warner
3) That Thing You Do (both song and movie)
4) Dan Brown novels
5) Full House


So maybe those are my top five, but I bet at least one is one of yours...