things i'd like to see in 2010

well the new year has passed, and after a recent trip to the gym, i realized so have the resolutions. so i figured since we're 21 days into 2010, i would share with you a few things i would like to see in the next 11 months.

i know it's been awhile since my last post, but patience is a virtue young grasshoppers. enjoy this one. you never know when the next might come around.

oh. and i eliminated capitalization. because i'm lazy and the shift button seems like too much work for the new decade. unless it's iPod. or iPhone. or anything with 'i' in front of it.

1) the zack morris iPhone cover:

pretty self explanatory. after reading dustin diamond's tell all book, behind the bell i found myself longing to see zack morris pull that gargantuan beige cell phone from somewhere out of his nether regions again. i mean really. where was that sucker hiding?

but seriously, as a child, i remember my grandfather carrying one of those phones around even though he never used it and thinking it was pretty bad 'a'. i'm sure i'm not alone.

so hey apple, or whoever makes iPhone covers (i don't have one, so i'm not real sure), why not make millions of covers that look like the same model as tv's golden boy carried, slap a $50 price tag on it and wait for every 13 to 25 year to buy one? obviously it would be a novelty piece, but i kid you not, i think a crap ton of people would buy one.

and for that matter, how about letting the original nokia brick phone that introduced us to face-plates and snake make a resurgence for us non-trendy, non-iPhone users? i'm sure some people still have it, so at least they wouldn't be so embarrassed to carry it around any more.

2) batman vs. james bond:

yes. i would like to see every person that's played james bond have a tag team match against every person that's ever played batman. i'm not sure exactly what actors have played bond, and frankly, i don't want to open a new tab to look it up on wikipedia. but i do know that sean connery and daniel craig are pretty dank fellows, and pierce brosnan did tear up the big screen in mrs. doubtfire, so why not let the others join them to battle michael keaton, val kilmer, george clooney, and christian bale. and i think adam west was the really old batman, but he might be dead.

if this isn't possible, then bring back celebrity deathmatch and let 'em duke it out there.

plus the under card of all the bond girls vs. all of the batman love interests in a pillow fight match sounds very intriguing.

3) the secret of the island:

no. i'm not talking about lost. i'm talking about the island that everyone knows exists, but nobody can seem to find. the island that holds riches the world has never seen. the island that boasts the most beautiful beaches but has only been inhabited by a lucky few.

yep. you got it. the island where elvis, michael jackson, tupac, and biggie are kicking it. none of them are dead. we all know that. so we must find where they live. and we must bring them back. who needs locke and ben linus and jack and kate and sawyer when this secret place is out there?

4) the end of 24:

8 seasons? 9 seasons? whatever. jack bauer hasn't even lived out 2 weeks of his life over a span of almost a decdade. it was a novel idea when created, but in 20 years, he will have lived all of a month. will people still oooh and ahh over it then? do yourselves a favor fox. kill him while you're ahead.

5) flavored shampoo:

how many times have you been in the shower when nobody's home? you know the roommates or husband or parents are gone. so naturally you start belting out beyonce. then the shampoo gets in your mouth and you gag. and sometimes you throw up a little because your one gag leads to hacking which leads to a nice dry heave.

so how do you avoid this and keep the imaginary simon cowell pleased? flavored shampoo. strawberry. chocolate. orange. stuffed lobster. whatever. just let it taste good. that way the little bit you get in your mouth doesn't ruin your morning.

the only foreseeable drawback i could see with this one is if a fat kid got a hold of it. yep, he'd drink it like the weird kids drank glue back in the first grade. and chances are, even if it tasted good, downing a whole bottle probably wouldn't be too healthy or even safe for that matter.

6) 'n sync reunion:

no explanation necessary.

so that's what i want in 2010. if you can make it happen, let me know. i'll give you a kiss on the lips or a pat on the back depending on your preference. if you can't make it happen, that's ok too. but i probably won't ever want to be your friend.

happy new year. go back to the gym. put down the cigarettes. spend more time with your friends. don't watch as much tv. read more books.

damn. i have a lot to do.