Cast yourself. It's all the Entou-Rage.

As a self-proclaimed sitcom connoisseur, I find myself appreciating television shows for numerous reasons. Humor, wit, intelligence, attractive females, etc. But every once in a while a show comes along with a quality that few others truly possess: having characters that everyone in the known realm can easily identify with.

Friends, for example, was the end all be all of sitcoms that people could pick a character that legitimately represented the person they were. Joey: dumb guy, jockish, gets all the girls. Ross: nerd, OCD, looking for love in all the wrong places. Chandler: sarcastic, commitment-phobe, a product of a truly broken home. Rachel: pretty, fashiobable, the love of most men's hearts. Monica: the homemaker that maintains hotness. And of course Phoebe: the free spirit, guitar playing, vegetarian, quasi-hippie. It's easy for the average American to place him or herself in the shoes of one of these characters, almost down to the very last detail. Who am I you might ask? Chandler. No question about it.

But now, thanks to Home Box Office, aka HBO, the entire world has been given two programs that take casting yourself as a major player to a whole new level. One for the "Y" chromosomes and one for the testosterone, babe chasing wannabes. Sex and the City and Entourage have both become cultural phenomenons that most people who have HBO, TBS or a DVD player have latched onto so they can live vicariously through someone else who is richer, prettier and more successful.

Since I have never spent an entire 30 minutes with Carrie and the gang, I really have no ability to place those characters into any type of Venn diagram. But I have been a relatively avid watcher of Entourage over the past couple of years, so I would like to take a few moments to look at each character and finally close with a brutal truth that my male readers will most likely disagree with.

Let's go for the bottom up for sticking with me sake. Who wants to read about the winners and then the losers? Not me, so go with me on this one.

Johnny "Drama" Chase:
Little brother to star, Vincent Chase. Struggling actor. Ten years or so older than the rest of the fellows. Saw moderate success in the 90's. Trying to break back in. Loves girls; has a hard time getting them to look his way. Clings to the glory days like Britney Spears clings to her white trash ways. (No rhyme intended.)

Chances are you might be a Drama type if you talk constantly about better days gone by, if your life revolves around landing a member of the opposite sex or if you have constantly lived in the shadow of someone else. It's a sad story, but as long as you have someone cooler to hang onto, you're good to go. Unfortunately not everyone has a movie star younger brother.

Sal "Turtle" Assante:
Uber-mooch. This fella relies on his starlet BFF for everything. Housing, food, clothing all come from others' pockets. Loves dressing a teeny tiny tad on the thug side. Also enjoys the soothing comforts of cannabis. His pride and joy: a collection of Nike sneakers, for show, not sport.

Turtle is your character if you're pudgy, worthless or rely on others to provide your day to day neccesities. While you might be a teddy bear type, you're still tossed to the side before bed for the cuter, slimmer, more attractive, more famous, human being. A good best friend but a lousy member of society.

Lloyd:
The funny, gay guy that takes shit from just about everyone.

If you're Lloyd, chances are you watch and identify more with Sex and the City. But if you're OK with that, so am I.

Eric "E" Murphy:
A smart, OCD business type. Logical, responsible, boring, blah blah blah. But... he is a good friend, and he gets the most aesthetically pleasing female of the entire show (in my opinion) to be his girlfriend for several episodes. He watches out for the group. He's the kind of guy you want to be on your side because he'll get you out of the crap you get yourself into. He might not be super cool, maybe even dorky, but he's kind of a bad ass in his own right.

If you don't really care about being a famous, center of attention type and would rather be behind the scenes, you're E. It's not a bad spot to be in, again if you have someone famous that can take you places you can't take yourself.

Now the inner turmoil begins. Who gets top billing on this installment of Wednesdays with Warner? Ari Gold or Vincent Chase.

Ari Gold.

So first, Vinnie Chase:
He's famous, good lucking (heterosexually speaking of course) and women to him instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano. Guys want to be him. Girls, with him. He makes blockbuster hits, drives the nicest cars, has the biggest house and pretty much gets whatever he might want. If I go into much more detail, you might assume some things about my sexual orientation.

And last, the backbone of Entourage Ari Gold:
He's ruthless, opinionated, politically incorrect and has a mouth dirtier than Paris Hilton's (metaphorically speaking). He can bring men to their knees in tears and never fails to let people know he is the boss, of everyone and everything. He has a smokin' wife and despite his success remains a family man. He drives a great, classy car and pretty much runs the show in Hollywood. Who wouldn't want to be that guy? I'd love to trade places with him just for a day.

Unfortunately guys, there is only room for so many Vincent Chases and Ari Golds in this world. And sadly, you probably aren't remotely like either one of them. Sure your vernacular has probably gone through a downward spiral trying to talk like Ari or your wardrobe has seen a chic tansformation so you can dress like Vince, but that doesn't mean you're either one.

In our world, everyone wants to be the star or the boss. But, it's not going to happen for most of us avergae Joes. I'm glad that I identify with E. If there were more E's in the world, things would run alot smoother. Some people are obviously Dramas are Turtles (see left). These are the ones that on Sunday nights, when they gather around the tube, put their dibs on being Vince or Ari. I mean, you can say all day long that you are most like these two power men, but your friends will quickly tell you you're not. Just like I wrote earlier, there is a brutal truth to this and that is, odds are you can't be Ari or Vince. It's just not that easy. I know you won't believe me, and that's OK. But the next time you call someone a "rusty [explitive] bucket" to try and sound cool, you're probably doing more harm than good.

I love me some Entourage, and so do tens of millions of other people. But next time you sit down to catch the latest story of Vince and the guys, be realistic in how you cast yourself.

And also, if you're looking for a fine woman out there, try to find a Dana Gordon or a Sloan McQuewick type. The Entourage watchers will know what I mean.